I had a discussion with a family member not too long ago about how relationships can be strained by children. How you can spend so much time focusing on them, that the couple will then be unable to focus on each other and the relationship can suffer or in some cases cease to exist.
I pretty much disagree with this. My opinion is that it occurs because there is a subtle cultural notion that children are a burden to a relationship. A sort of unspoken undertone of how kids damage relationships and "ruin your life". There is an assumption that happiness in a relationship comes from what I call the passion stage of a relationship. You know the one. This is the stage where you’re always holding hands, always cuddling, and spending time alone. Going out, staying out late. Afternoon naps. All the warm and fuzzy feel good stuff that most of us have experienced. As any person with kids can tell you. Good luck getting any time doing that stuff! But why does a relationship need all that to survive or prosper? Can’t the children be seen as a positive result of that stage? Can’t we accept that the first phase brought us to this phase and embrace it? The shared experience of raising children in my mind should bring you closer together, not push you apart.
The last two times my wife and I went to dinner alone, we both felt that something was missing. I am not going to lie to you. Not having done our best impression of a competitive eater and asking for the check while we were still eating, was a nice change of pace. But after we got over that part, there was not much else to enjoy. We knew we could not go out late or drink too much, or do any of those things in the first phase. So the whole experience seemed sort of muted to us. It became an exercise of watching the clock, and wondering what to do next.
Where I think we do well however is; to just be okay with the phase of our relationship we are in. If the pre disposition is that a relationship is strengthened by children as opposed to weakened, I think it will could change how people view the introduction of children into their lives. Maybe there needs to be that strong first phase to get though the kids phase. Maybe the relationships that don’t make it were never that strong to begin with. Part of it could be; we are all just too focused on ourselves and what we want so we can be "happy".
A few nights ago the four (almost 5) of us went to Friendly’s. Benjamin ordered his favorite ice cream and I got to help him eat and watched him get hot fudge all over the place. Natalie, our daughter, tried some ice cream for the first time and loved it. We shoveled down our food. The kids got upset more than once. My pants got hot fudge on them. The table was a mess. I looked at my wife and smiled. It was the best time.
Nice job Chris--kids are definitely lots of work, but the rewards are endless and I can't even imagine (or remember!) life without them!
ReplyDeleteI do remember at the phase you're at (call it the more "labor intensive stage"!!=-) when my husband and I went away for the weekend for the first time. Although we needed and enjoyed the time away together, we just about knocked each other over to get to my parent's front door to see those little faces when we came home(and spent much of the time away talking about them!).
A relationship will never be the same after kids, that's for sure--but they won't be at home (hopefully!! =-) forever either. So couples need to also remember to focus on keeping the fire alive and well too! Little gestures (a foot rub, taking the morning feeding so your spouse can sleep in, or just a little note) can go a long way to remind your spouse how important they are to you.
Take the alone time when you can get it--the conversation may drift back to your kids--after all, that is (or should be) your major focus, but don't forget how to communicate and enjoy each other without the kids too. That is equally important to a healthy relationship as much as realizing that your relationship will always be changing as it grows.